Guide to Jammin’

How to sing in one easy lesson:

Open the gargle full wide and breathe in through the catskills. Adopt stance of herniated french onion seller and crease the visage with a sternly emotive look. Or just squint at the lights. After letting the band play the intro four times, come in on the 5th beat of the 23rd bar. Screech or howl convincingly (screech is for ballads, howl is for blues) and collect applause, lippy, handbag and someone else’s cheeky little chardonnay on the way out. Repeat ad nauseam (only if latin floats your boat).

How to play the saxaphone in one easy lesson:

Grasp the fernuggle by the snotter, and take a read of the manual. Lick the read so no-one else will pinch it, and spread the fingies evenly over the rattly buttons. If feeling posh, cock the pinky and stand at the front with weight evenly spread over three or four feet. Adjust snotter, check zip and epiglottal your way through 16 bars. Have a beer at every bar and go home sadder but wiser.

How to play bass in one easy lesson:

Lugubrious is the look, as in I play bass, and no-one ever lets me take a solo, and even if they do, the friggin’ bass is no good for soloing anyway. Bass players are to jazz what Eeyore is to Winnie the Pooh.

How to play piano in one easy lesson:

Not tellin’. Too many of them already. Smug bastards generally.

How to play guitar in one easy lesson:

Tweak the twangy and look at the little red lights on the electronic tuner. This ensures you are the only one in tune. Turn volume to at least 12. Run through a coupla bars of Smoke on the Water, All Along the Watchtower, and Stairway to Kevin. More tweak of the twangy then insert ear plugs, adopt Elvis pose and appearance of blissful ignorance, and…smoke ’em!

How to play drums in one easy lesson:

What? What??? Did you say something? WHAT??? I can’t hear you…

How to play accordion in one easy lesson:

This should not be attempted under any circumstances. The definition of a gentleman is someone who owns an accordion but does not play it.

See ya at the jam!

3 thoughts on “Guide to Jammin’

    • Mea Culpa. Recorderists: possibly the only musicians to tune their instrument with sandpaper, and often able to save time by just standing in a puddle of spit to start with… that do?

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